I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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