Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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