You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
