my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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