So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
