I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
