yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
