I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
