More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
