I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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