Can Purell be used as lube?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
