watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
