Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My life is pants optional.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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