Taylor Swift is so right about you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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