I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
