i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
