Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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