The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
