Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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