saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
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