It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
