end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I bet he comes in French.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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