I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
