i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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