theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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