so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
