i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
