I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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