Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
