don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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