Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
