What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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