thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
