I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
