She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
