I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
