pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
