So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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