Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Randomize
