MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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