You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
