i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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