She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
