I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
