Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
