its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
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