The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
