i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
