Too much gin, very little bucket
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
