I think i peed on brittanys purse
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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