Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
