My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
